you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
