does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
