....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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