As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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