its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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