I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
