Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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