I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
