you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
