3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
