what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
