Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
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We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
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I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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