i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
