I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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