Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
