i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
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The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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