I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
