Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I touched a dick in church today
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
