totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
