well I can't set my house on fire every night
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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