New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
