nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
