His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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