shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I love having hate sex.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
