i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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