He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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