I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
