FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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