There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
