if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
