I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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