I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
