before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
