there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
