Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
