I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
