then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
