I wannas sexs uuuuu
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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