and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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