yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
