Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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