it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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