Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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