Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
