My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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