Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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