Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
