I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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