dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
