I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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