I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
