I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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