I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
