I will die if light touches me.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think I won the penis lottery.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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