You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
