Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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