dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
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i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
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Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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