ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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