ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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