He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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