I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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