so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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