we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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