when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
