kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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