So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
