You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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