Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we made out on top of his cat.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
