mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
